also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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