He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
