I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
