I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
