So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
