So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
