ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize