Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't deserve a penis
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
