never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
