i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Shame is for Republicans.
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