that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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