I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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