I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
