and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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