i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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