we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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