Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
