Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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