its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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