I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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