i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
