btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
