I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Vodka?
Forever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
