You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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