I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
