I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
