I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
