Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
