are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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