Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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