Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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