by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
