i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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