made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize