im having a threesome with these popsicles
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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