No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
