I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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