Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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