i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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