I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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