i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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