That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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