You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
