1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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