Need sex. Gaining weight.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
