Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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