every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
