Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
