Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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