Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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