She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
