I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
