i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
