Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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