filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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