Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
