Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
