apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
