please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
