Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
